Gone

I've spent the day and well into the evening in a weird state of shock. A sweet, funny, and kind guy who had just confirmed a location for his November wedding to a woman he was utterly in love with, who visited his family regularly up near Fresno, who was taking business classes at night, who loved golf, who was 26 and embarking on an exciting phase of his adult life, died in a horrible car crash Sunday night.

I can't believe Kyle is gone.

I remember being told that Kyle had passed away and it felt like I was being told that they outlawed bananas because they point too much or that one of The Golden Girls was going to be replacing Robert Downey, Jr. in the Iron Man sequel. I just couldn't comprehend the words. I was being told something unbelievable, unfathomable, unreal. And then when I understood the words, the cruel truth arrived like a hard slap in the face with the tears that involuntarily come with the impact.

I cannot believe I won't be hearing his voice again. Or seeing his curly hair bounce through the break room on his way to his desk with that easy going smile. I won't be hearing him talk about seeing his mom on Mother's Day, how he enjoys golfing with his dad, or trying to find salsa dancing shoes for his fiancee because he knows how much she loves salsa dancing. I won't be mocking his taste for mellow music when he'd swing by my office before the weekend and I'd tell him, have a great night--go blast that new Maroon 5 CD! Or got exciting plans, right? Go crank that Savage Garden!

All day I was in this weird zone where I kept flip-flopping between belief and disbelief. When I passed his empty cubicle, the truth landed and tears would just start. On the flip side, I'm half expecting to see him walk in to work tomorrow. I can see him saying, what? oh wow, that's so crazy, you guys thought I was dead? I can't believe the doctors actually said that! Sorry about the confusion...boy, that's embarrassing. And we'd all laugh, relieved that it was just this horrible misunderstanding.

And I merely worked in the same office with him. I can barely imagine what his friends are going through. What his fiancee who was getting ready for this wonderful wedding to spend the rest of their lives together is going through. What his parents are going through. I've been thinking of them a lot today and it pains me to tears to think what they're going through.

One of the founders stopped by my office and he said that it's so tough knowing mortality at such a young age. He had served in the navy quite a few decades ago and a spent a couple of years in the South Pacific and he remembers thinking, I'll be alright, but what about these poor guys around me? Funny, and so true. Death is sort of this surreal concept--we know it happens all the time and that we're all eventually going to succumb to it but we still have a hard time accepting it when it lands so close to us.

Tomorrow will be better, right?