when the cat's away - Klee Irwin enters

When the cat's away, this mouse was planning to play. While my old man and my girl were still in Nebraska (I came back first on Monday--straight to work), I had plans. My list included organizing the place, getting some crafty projects down, cleaning so I could relax over the weekend, maybe even catching some arthouse/foreign film on my own.

Instead I came home and ate dinner in front of the tv while I caught up on some of my DVRed shows (wait, that was kind of on my list--check! Nice). I also managed to pass out on the couch while watching said shows only to wake up sweating to paid programming.

Do you know this man? Would you perceive him as an expert on bowel movements and overall health? Would you take it to heart when he is, in essence, claiming if you don't poop out watermelons or pinch loaves as big as Wonder Wheat 4-6 times a day, you need to be concerned? Would you suddenly realize that non-production of forearm-sized poop ore is the reason you suffer from bad sinuses, allergies, rashes, acne, weight gain, fatigue, stiff joints, depression, headaches, frequent colds, bad memory, lack of focus or "just don't feel perfect"? Hey, bummed that your pet died? Take a big dump, sad clown!

This man is Klee Irwin, creator of Dual Action Cleanse. I don't know if it's waking up with a sense of "where am I?! where am I?!" at 4am, but facing this infomercial in a half-conscious state has left me in semi-traumatized--sort of like accidentally seeing your friend's dad naked or when you help clean up someone else's vomit.

I don't like to judge a person's appearance on stuff they can't control, e.g., height, but I can't help but notice the styling options he, indeed, chose to take. Now I'm no professional art director, but perhaps I'd suggest he lighten up on the Magic Tan or return Peter Wentz's eye crayon after the first 2 coats. Plus, there's a 15-year-old who wants his facial hair back--he's gotta cruise the junior high parking lot for prom dates at 2:30. Also, less vaseline in that thin hair-would probably help him appear, uh...less oily, literally and figuratively. And finally, I would suggest a classic suit jacket to give his soft shoulders some authority, considering he's not a doctor or scientist.

Anyhoo, I probably don't need to mention that Klee Irwin is full of sh!t, figuratively, (because I'm sure he'd claim that he literally isn't) as products like these have been deemed unnecessary or worse, unhealthy. But I'm sure he's making pooptastic amounts of money and we'll be seeing more of Klee Irwin. Apparently he's previously created a product called "Steel Libido" and is set to roll out the new improved version, "Libido-Max". Ick, ick, ick.

Please don't let me wake up to that infomercial.