Salt Water Cleanse Redux

I told my friend that the Salt Water Cleanse was a fail. She looked at me, dead serious, that I needed to do it again, correctly. She theorized that the water wasn't warm enough, that I didn't drink the quart of salt water fast enough or that I needed a higher dose of salt. She said that she'd get the salt on her lunch break and she'd handhold me through the ingestion after work. She convinced me when she said that I shouldn't have that quart of salt water from the night before sitting in my body. And truth be told, at first I was fine with my salt water tolerance--hey I can swim in the ocean with my mouth open! But eventually I had been bothered with the thought that I drank a quart of salt water and it was just lolling through my body, seasoning my organs, with some eventual consequence to come.

So after 5pm, she has two cups lined up by the microwave. She heats the first cup mixes in some salt. Did I mention how this is really the worst part? I barely choked down the the first cup--only somewhat encouraged by my friend's urging to "slam it"--and I asked her how many cups I was going to have to drink. She said "four". And after a pause said "...more after this one".

I looked at her with what I'm sure had to be an expression of despair. She had upped the dosage of salt and this first cup of salt water tasted like the cup had been tipped into a part of the ocean after whales had been mating and/or urinating in it. Or that she had simply scooped up a mugful of water from a tank at SeaWorld. It felt like an April Fool's joke gone awry. I eyed my friend suspiciously. But at this point I felt I had stepped into the point of no return. I resolved to go through with it.

After the 2nd cup, I told her this was crazy, I couldn't do this.

After the 3rd cup, I called her a liar and said I had drunk at least 4 cups by now and asked her why she hated me so much.

After the 4th cup, I swore I was drowning.

After the 5th cup, I was pretty confident I just did something unethical to my body. Or illegal. If you've ever seen a documentary on folks who get lost in the ocean, you know that the one who makes the bad desperate decision to drink the ocean water goes delirious, if not fatally berserk. Well I'm pretty sure I was marginally getting there. Because of the quart of salt water in me from the night before, I now had over TWO quarts of salt water in me, forming stalactites in my heart and brain. I started to panic that I'd end up in the emergency room. And like those people who show up with objects stuck in their orifices, like a marble up their nose (or worse), how would I explain that I had voluntarily done this to myself? I swore I could feel the brine pickling my organs as it coursed through my body.

Fortunately, within 20 minutes, I started to feel a lot more action happening in my stomach than the night before--a good sign that things were going to be different this time. And they were. And within an hour, I was spending a good half hour, on and off, expelling the salt water and everything else that was in its path.

Honestly, the exit of the salt water was a LOT easier than the entry. After all, the time is spent sitting down. Even though one doesn't quite know how long it would last (to which I'd say give yourself a 30-60 minute cushion of access to the bathroom and privacy--if you want to keep your dignity), it certainly wasn't as uncomfortable or painful like after a night of tequila and spicy nachos.

Now whether I truly benefited from this "salt water cleanse" remains to be seen. I wouldn't say I felt lighter and cleaned out, despite the time spent on the toilet. And this morning I woke up to a potato staring back at me in the mirror as I managed to retain a ton of water in my face and body from the excess salt intake. Which of course made me question how much sodium I took in.

With the help of the internet, I learned that I ingested 8400 mg of sodium last night, and 4800 mg the night before. The recommended daily allowance is less than 1000 mg per day. I pretty much crammed in two weeks worth of sodium in a 24 hour time span.

So I'm off to drink a ton of water to help dilute the salt in my body. I guess there is at least one benefit.