Who had the nerve to take a dump in here?

Recently Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle was playing on TBS (or USA?). Paul couldn’t help but notice that they cut the infamous “Battlesh!ts” scene in the Princeton ladies room where Kumar is hiding out and overhears two gorgeous women try to outdo, or more accurately, out doo-doo each other. Was it too risqué for TBS? (or USA?), my dear husband wondered.

Sigh. No, sweetie, it’s because it was one of the most unrealistic scenes ever played in this or any other movie. More unrealistic than riding on the back of an escaped cheetah? More unrealistic than having your car towed by a guy named “Freakshow” and then get propositioned by his amorous centerfold of a wife? More unrealistic than Neil Patrick Harris stealing your car…and then returning it? Yes, yes, and yes.

I have yet to meet an adult woman who doesn’t covet privacy and anonymity when busting a move in the bathroom. Now I’m not talking about the huge restrooms at the airport, stadium, or movieplex where there is constant commotion. I’m talking about places like restaurants and offices: quiet restrooms where there are two to four stalls and it would take total deafness to not know what someone is doing. In talking to other women, I’ve confirmed all the various ways we try to hide any auditory evidence of our business (besides praying that we’ll have the ladies room all to ourselves): we’ll cough, ahem-ahem, spin a hopefully squeaky toilet tissue dispenser, shuffle our shoes, fiddle noisily with the seat cover dispenser, mutter to ourselves, anything to mask any aural proof of what we’re doing.

When I went to Tokyo last winter the ladies room stalls have a button that just makes a flushing noise—legend is that they were installed to save water as ladies were actually flushing water to disguise any noises. I bet that would be a big hit here.

When I talk to men about it, they’re bewildered. What? they say. That’s ridiculous. As if someone is going to walk in there and sniff, “Heeeyyyyy…who had the nerve to take a dump in here?” And I don’t have an answer. I admit I’m a little jealous with their comfort level.

I’ve seen men tuck a newspaper, a magazine, a paperback, even a writing pad (!) under their arm as they head into the rest room. Seriously, it’s like waving their arms in the air and yell, hey, I’m going to lay some cable and I’m taking the sports section! I’ve even heard they talk to each other when they’re in the stalls, like they’re not self-conscious at all. Whoa, did I have a burning tire for lunch?…I should know by now that spicy food totally gives me the squirts. My understanding is that executing their business a stall away from another person is no big deal. Hey is the post office delivering tomorrow? No? But Fedex and UPS still are, right?

I hear there is a sequel to Harold and Kumar coming out soon. I wonder what ker-razy concept they’re going to put into that one.