Hitting the road

Driving 4-5 hours up near Fresno for memorial services for Kyle today. An executive decision was made to close the office for the day in honor of Kyle's memory. More than half the office is going up and the company is kindly reimbursing us rental cars to carpool the 500 mile round trip.

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So glad (is that the right word?) I went. Sure, I cried. A lot. But it was so moving to hear the words and memories of the family, fiancee, and friends, to see the hundreds of people moved to be there, and to see the slideshow of pictures of him throughout his life. Some pictures and stories made me smile and laugh--like the one where he wanted to surprise his fiancee and hid in another room for 45 minutes and her sister had to finally prompt his fiancee to go in the other room to be surprised. But the mother in me nearly blubbered like a baby when I saw the family portraits. And the pictures of him as a child sleeping.

At the end of the slideshow, everyone was invited to go up for a final viewing and to give our respects to his family. Some folks were reluctant to see the body but in some ways, I really needed to. I'd been plagued by a weird delusion that Kyle would lope back into the office one of these days. I guess that's part of the denial stage I hear about. For better or worse, my brain needed some proof that this was for real.

I went up and saw him. I didn't have the stamina that I thought I'd have to really look at him, not more than to recognize Kyle in what looked like a reluctant nap. I turned and realized I was facing his mother. Her expression revealed she had no idea who I was and that I really should have flat-ironed my hair or done something with it when I got up at 4am. I could only manage to stammer that I was a co-worker and how sorry I was for her loss...she nodded and said thank you. His father's face also searched for explanation who I was and I hoarsely repeated what I said to Kyle's mother. He took my hand and said thank you for taking the time to come up. I immediately lost any iota of composure and blubbered, thanking him for the opportunity to be there and he started to tear up and I moved on to the grandparents who so kindly thanked me for coming. At this point, as I saw the fiancee and his brothers, I was weepy, barely coherent, trying to express the kind words Kyle had spoken of them. Unfortunately, I'm sure I came across as this sobbing fool who really should have done something with her hair.

We all left shortly after because a lot of folks in the carpools had commitments back home. In my car, while talking about the memorial, relating what moved us and what made us smile, there it was--a bit of comfort.