Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders

who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

Except for me instead of drunk it's sunburn.

I've learned that sunburn is scarily like baking--even when you take cookies out of the oven, they continue to cook and apparently, so does my body after it's been in the sun for a spell.  I don't know what the human equivalent would be to removing cookies from the pan onto a cooling rack to stop the baking, but my skin continued to get red through the night after the day at the beach.  And cruelly, it itches.  Cruel because trying to relieve it with even the gentlest pressure is like asking Wolverine to scratch it after you've pissed him off.  And then any material feels like sandpaper or burlap so even wearing clothes is painful.  Even my hair touching my sunburned skin is like a coarse broom scrubbing it.  I spent the past few days fairly immobile, hoping to hasten recovery by sealing myself in with Aloe Vera gel.

During these days, a few things broke through the haze:

- Can't wait to read Tina Fey's new book Bossypants.  Added to my Amazon wishlist.  Gaaaahh, love this woman.  Wish I had that book now to get me through the pain.

- Heard that Donald Trump is a possible Republican presidential candidate for 2012.  And that one of his big issues with Obama is whether he was truly born in the US (despite official confirmation).  Man, that is so 2008. 

- Wow.  I guess the Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson thing is for real?  I saw this pic of them jogging and a number of things flew through my head: 1) I have less a problem with their actual age difference than the fact that his age is practically doubled by his latent grumpiness/sourpuss.  He's not an older Jeff Spicoli, he's a younger Wilford Brimley.  Remember him at the Oscars with his needless defense of Jude Law that just sucked the life out of that auditorium?  He was like the love child of Debby Downer and the old guy in Up before he flies his house off with balloons.  2)  Check out the footwear that Johansson is rocking--the principle of them is like running barefoot and my understanding is it's about cushioned as that glove you smack across the face of a scoundrel who has insulted your honor.  (The girl did a report on it last year so kind of fascinated it's taking off.)  3) Totally appreciating that Johansson has a real body not a crazy skinny one.  4)  What in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is Owen Wilson doing there?

- Holy crap--Rod Stewart's daughter, Kim, is pregnant by Benicio Del Toro?! Isn't she another of the one of the spoiled offspring of the rich and famous who gets to party, with an option to work? Yeesh, anyone else fall in love with Benicio Del Toro after Traffic? Anyone else fall utterly out of love with him after hearing this news?

- Finally--YIKES!  Taxes are due Friday and TurboTax is still sealed from the time I bought it at Costco 2 months ago. 

AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me! 

I guess I should have gotten the Aloe Vera gel with Lidocaine...though watching Talledega Nights kind of eased the pain.

5 comments:

Tomb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul said...

You forgot to have the link to your Amazon wishlist!

Paul said...

Also, you need to credit "Ricky Bobby" the race car driver for the Tom Cruise quote

Pound said...

omg you're hilarious.
try advil or one of those pain relievers for sunburn. once when i was pg w/ ethan i got burned at catalina (i think 2nd degree) and when i was taking a cold shower even the water on my skin was killing me. i couldn't even get out until evan went to the store and came back w/ some lidocaine spray. ya, the same kind you use on you hoo ha after you have a baby. try that.

i'm gonna get my celeb news from here now. ew how does go from ryan reynolds to... sean penn????

Tomb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.